ILLINOIS — Governor J.B. Pritzker of Illinois announced plans last week to rename Lake Michigan to more accurately reflect what he feels is the best name for the lake. The currently named Lake Michigan has shores that touch four states – Illinois, Indiana, Michigan and Wisconsin – yet it is named for the state that has the longest shoreline. However, Pritzker declared that the Lake should be named for his state which has a 63 mile shoreline. This is compared to Indiana with 45 miles, Wisconsin with over 800 miles and Michigan with 1,640 miles.
Pritzker is undeterred by the small size of Illinois’ shoreline noting that President Donald Trump recently renamed The Gulf of Mexico even though Mexico has a much longer shoreline than any other country. Pritzker proclaimed, “The world’s finest geographers, experts who study the Earth’s natural environment, have concluded a decades-long council and determined that a great lake deserves to be named after a great state. So today, I’m issuing a proclamation declaring that hereinafter, Lake Michigan shall be known as Lake Illinois. The proclamation has been forwarded to Google to ensure the world’s maps reflect this momentous change.”
In addition, Pritzker announced that Illinois would take over the city of Green Bay, Wisconsin to, “protect the homeland,” mocking Trump for his desire to take Greenland. Of course, Green Bay is home to the NFL team that is a major rival to the Chicago Bears so it could be a popular move in Illinois.
“In addition, the recent announcement that protect the homeland, the United States will be purchasing Greenland – Illinois will now be annexing Green Bay to protect itself against enemies, foreign and domestic. I’ve also instructed my team to work diligently to prepare for an important announcement next week regarding the Mississippi River. God bless America and bear down. Thank you,” Pritzker concluded.
